i'm freaking pissed

i'm freaking pissed with everything that happening..

the reason that i'm doing this cause i fucked up.. honestly do i deserve this..

i don't think so..cause come on i'm turning 18...

but then what much can i do to make them think that i'm a grown up....

they say they love me but if they really loves me 

 and knows how to take good care of me...

why i'm doing this? do they think about it why? how? what?

i don't think so..i honestly if they do they wont be doing this to me..

i totally miss my old family that used to be happening and loving family 

but what happening now?

all gone only left with mixed and complicate and boring life!

i'm sick and tired of facing this.. i do this all because of what..i just sick and tired 

of all this.. i know that what i'm doing now have a reason why?

if i don't have a reason why? i won't do this like seriously.. 

i don't understand why other people can understand and know what i'm good at

but my own family doesn't... that's one thing that  i'm 

really sad and down about...

they always self-centered about themselves but do they think about

what i feel like do they?

and kept involving other people and blaming others but doesn't 

think and ask themselves....

honestly i ask do they think about what i'm saying its wrong?

and do they think about will it turns out like this?

and if they know what am my will i be like this?

and do they like it if people keeps comparing themselves with others?

and if i don't love them why i'm back home now?

if i don't love them mostly i won't came back home right now...am my right?

and i'm doing this because i want to tell them that the way they doing to me doesn't suits

me...i know is their responsibilities to take care of me.. but

is right that i want to go at noon is not allowed if night acceptable la 

next i want to do something i like i can't... example i have the talent in that but i can't 

grap that cause they don't allow me

next i want to have my own refreshment cannot...and they just want

me to be home everytime!

and they say its not that they don't allow me to be friends with anybody 

but what this? how am my have friends if this is what i'm facing with 

all my friends when missing and left me behind cause of what i'm facing!

pffft! so i ask u once again do i deserve this!

what is life?

if nobody understands what are u and whats are u talent in?

and what is life if your own parents keeps thinking the negative part of you?

and what is life if you feel like u are nobody to anyone including your own family?

there's no motive of living and keeps breathing in the worlds 

of nowhere. 

if they say they love me is this the way they should treat me?

what is the meaning of love to them if they them say don't even know

what i'm good at?

and do they flash back what the different in us 

why we are standing in this kind of attitude?

do they ask them self why? and how?

did they do that i don't think so..cause if they do...

why the matter kept dragging and there's no difference at all

the only difference is that i' starting to feel the connecting 

again in the family..

what much can i do?

nothing much cause one simple thing

if i do everything that i can but their mindset is still the same 

there's no point at all...

plus one thing that i don't understand why here..

is just that say to me if there's a problem

in the family or anybody don't

like about it spilled it out

but then when the problem came's out

guess what when i say something to them

they say i'm fucking rude to them..

when i kept myself quiet they say am my mute?no mouth to say is it?

 when i speak out they i say i'm rude then when i shut my mouth 

the same thing...

honestly at times i think that there's no point of my living...

cause my life is just like one fucking...

the reason why i say that because of alot of things

but i don't understand why they just reflect back why i'm like this...

and if they ask me why i want a life partner with me in the young age?

my answer is simple is because if i do have enough love,care and concern form the 

family i don't mind having a life partner yet.. but the matter no is i don't feel that yet..

the only feeling i have in me no is just hatred.

the reason why i felt that because

firstly they don't even know what i'm good at.and they kept asking me

 to do something which it totally not me alt all

secondly i don't feel like i'm in the picture at all because when my birthday they

 don't even celebrate but then when my brothers birthday my both sis 

celebrate his birthday and others what about me?

thirdly i'm just freaking pissed because they love... so much to compare between me and my

cuzzies... its like come on la in life everybody have similar attitudes and personality

but there status are different..and their talents are different

lastly is because i don't feel the love connection at all in the family like seriously

what i feel is just a feeling of falseness at times...

honestly right i feel like i rather don't have a family if this how it looks like... T_T